Desolation

Sometimes, just sometimes, I think to myself the thoughts of depression, of suicide. I know it's ridiculous but I can't help myself especially with what is happening now. For years, I have been so confident in my grades and I had a strong bond with my teachers. This year, everything is so different. Different environments, extreme stress, and just plain different in my opinion. I feel like I was not ready to take on the challenge because no matter how much I try, no matter how much I put my best foot, it still is not enough.

For example, for my AP biology exam, I studied EVERYTHING the night before and I mean everything. All the notes, all the tests, all the lectures. I studied from 5-2 a.m. and woke up at 4:00 a.m. to study more; until 7:00 a.m. to be exact. Now let's calculate. That's exactly 12 hours. 12 hours!?!?!? NONSTOP. And for what grade? Yes, a C+. My grade went from a A- to a B+ and I am pretty sure how much more points are added, it will stay at a B+. And all my other classes. My grades decreased to A's or A-'s; right on the borderline. I have a strong disappointment in myself.

Each class, I feel like I am slipping no matter how much I focus on the material. For my favorite class in the entire world, ap biology, i am slipping bad and i understand the material but it's just not enough or not correct. I really don't know. With Apush, I study day and night, go through countless packets, listen to Castro day and nigh on my Ipod but it is just not enough. Every essay, every test, never increases a B. I don't understand. For english, I am losing my style in writing. I used to write so well; enunciation, style, and development. Everything was great in the past but then that one day I learned that I basically write NONSENSE. But I take the time to read my essays, to research. Guess 6 hours is not enough to write an essay.

The only class I am really confident is actually math. I started slipping in the middle of the semester but it all worked out as I built the grade from 82% to now 95%. It took time but I am proud. Just that class though.

I wonder what 2nd semester will be like. I am really really really unconfident in myself and I forever will be. However, I am going to try and try and try. But frankly, it is never enough. I am sorry for the people I have disappointed.

:(((