A wise quote once read,

People say what's the point in liking someone who doesn't like you back and they are right, there is no point. But you can't help who you like, it's not up to you, your heart just kinda decides for you.

And there's no turning back once your heart makes up its mind. 

Start again

Rachel Tran got me to start blogging again. I don't have much to say right now but I just wanted to write a post just to remind myself that I should start blogging.

On the upside, Rachel Tran and I are roomies! YAY! :D

Depression

It hurts me to think that I have no future.

That my dreams are done.

That there is somebody whose dreams are remembered.

Why me?

Why must I be tortured?

Why must I be scarred?

Why must I be so depressed in life?

What have I done to deserve this?

Who have I sinned against?

Why am I being tortured?

Where did it all begin?

When will the pain proceed away from me?

Guess for now I'll just be mourning.

Because when you are in my shoes, you will never smile.

Agony

Every time I stare at the moon,

I see a sad girl.

Every time I stare out at the ocean,

I see a lost girl trying to find her way back home.

Every time I sit in my room,

I hear the cries of my own soul.

Every time I see a child in need,

I see my heart broken even more.

And every time I talk,

I hear the moans of a dying child.

What must one do when dreams are crashed in front of you?

What must one do when you see the one you love gone forever?

What must one do when nothing is going right?

When depression is at its all-time high

when nothing is going right

when you are not loved

when nobody cares for you.

What must I do when my life is in pain and agony

You can mend my broken heart no matter how much you try

but i will forever be scarred.

No matter what you try to do

I will open these wounds

I will tear up the shield

I will strip any means of protection

Call me selfish

call me annoying

call me reckless

call me crazy

But when nothing is going right

you will see me in the reflection of your mirror

and then you will say

I was right.

Desolation

Sometimes, just sometimes, I think to myself the thoughts of depression, of suicide. I know it's ridiculous but I can't help myself especially with what is happening now. For years, I have been so confident in my grades and I had a strong bond with my teachers. This year, everything is so different. Different environments, extreme stress, and just plain different in my opinion. I feel like I was not ready to take on the challenge because no matter how much I try, no matter how much I put my best foot, it still is not enough.

For example, for my AP biology exam, I studied EVERYTHING the night before and I mean everything. All the notes, all the tests, all the lectures. I studied from 5-2 a.m. and woke up at 4:00 a.m. to study more; until 7:00 a.m. to be exact. Now let's calculate. That's exactly 12 hours. 12 hours!?!?!? NONSTOP. And for what grade? Yes, a C+. My grade went from a A- to a B+ and I am pretty sure how much more points are added, it will stay at a B+. And all my other classes. My grades decreased to A's or A-'s; right on the borderline. I have a strong disappointment in myself.

Each class, I feel like I am slipping no matter how much I focus on the material. For my favorite class in the entire world, ap biology, i am slipping bad and i understand the material but it's just not enough or not correct. I really don't know. With Apush, I study day and night, go through countless packets, listen to Castro day and nigh on my Ipod but it is just not enough. Every essay, every test, never increases a B. I don't understand. For english, I am losing my style in writing. I used to write so well; enunciation, style, and development. Everything was great in the past but then that one day I learned that I basically write NONSENSE. But I take the time to read my essays, to research. Guess 6 hours is not enough to write an essay.

The only class I am really confident is actually math. I started slipping in the middle of the semester but it all worked out as I built the grade from 82% to now 95%. It took time but I am proud. Just that class though.

I wonder what 2nd semester will be like. I am really really really unconfident in myself and I forever will be. However, I am going to try and try and try. But frankly, it is never enough. I am sorry for the people I have disappointed.

:(((

Kessler response #3

Cultural Considerations

“The loveliest faces are to be seen by moonlight, when one sees half with the eye and half with the fancy.” Persian proverbs are among the only figures of speech in my ethnic group and even family. Every time I feel lethargic or hopeless, my mother pummels me with Persian proverbs meant to soothe the heart and brain. Living in Iran, one must memorize every proverb written because it so common in the language. It is not slang nor a figure of speech that is whipped or tormented throughout centuries. Proverbs are held dear to every Middle Easterner and it is the mother language that unifies us no matter what country we come from. They may seem hackneyed to the naked eye but proverbs have a tendency to appear in a conversation. My mother has not lived a day without expressing a new proverb or rekindling the old ones. One of her favorites is “whatever is in the heart will come up to the tongue” because it is kind of her way of saying think before you speak. Even to this day, my family depends on the elation and accuracy of the proverbs to guide them through their lives. This phenomena only applies to my culture because Persian proverbs are not taught in schools. They are passed down from generation to generation and only the pure Middle Easterner’s vein carries the blood of unification. Since the dawn of Mesopotamia, the people have been scattered all around the world. They say that the only way to coalesce them is to utter a Persian proverb!

I use Persian proverbs at home and at family gatherings but I can not seem to teach nor discuss them with my fellow peers outside of my culture. Sometimes, I hesitate to say a Persian proverb because it might offend somebody. When I first moved to the United States, I was not aware of the fact that people did not understand my language. In my sixth grade English class, my teacher had invited a motivational speaker to talk about a new program offered in only elementary schools called D.A.R.E. This program educated children about drugs and how they can lead to hazardous problems. He told us that we should confide in our teachers if we ever get involved in a situation that seems threatening or confusing. Haphazardly, I raised my pale and scrawny arm in the air. The gentleman called on me and I said, “If the teacher be corrupt, the world will be corrupt.” The students, the gentleman, and the teacher stared at me; but my teacher kindly changed the subject. After class, she called me to her desk and told me that she was very offended at the fact that I was calling her a “bad teacher.” It was not my intention to direct the focus on on her or anybody else in the class. My only remark was that teachers are the foundation of the society; they provide education, guidance, and a parent relationship with the student. When a teacher is unethical, students will not receive the proper education and counsel. It was not my forethought to attack her; I was simply trying to make a point regarding the importance of teachers in a student’s life. This incident taught me to not utter a Persian proverb in public again because people did not relate to them.

The mysterious light

Calm and serene, it stands on the table waiting anxiously to be lit. Its soft body mesmerizes the dark night and waits to be cherished. It is the light of the day and the creator of possibilities. The supple sound from the crackle of the fire brightens the darkest hour and brings forth the hallelujah chorus. Crack, crack, crack, while the wind blows through it. Hot and mysterious, it holds a veil of truth behind its hind sparkle. The heat is a danger, causing the wax to trickle slowly down its body. Every touch leaves a mark and every light leaves an art. It reaches towards the stars; waiting relentlessly while its body melts away. Slowly but surely, it will die just like any other creature. No meaning, no happiness, just the fact that it is lit brings it one step closer to elimination. One blow from the wind tames the fire; a yellow and blue hue all mixed to form the perfect detonation. The flame vanishes away into the night and leaves behind a Genie's wish. Smoke leaves the premises and dissolves in the air, hoping to disperse throughout the room. Luckily, the air hugs the smoke like a child in its mother's arms and the candle is forever gone with the wind. The mysterious light will await its next adventure by night time.

Narrative essays

When an author writes a narrative essay, he or she is telling a story. Narrative essays are told from a point of view, often the writer's, so there is sensory details that is added within the story in order to get the reader involved in the sequence of the story. The narrative essay makes a point and that point is often told in the opening sentence but can also be found in the concluding paragraph.

Narrative essays are usually uncensored and uncut. This means that the author has the right to explain any event in his/her lifetime without being limited to one subject. The reader can actually relate to the author's words because he/she is describing a similar story. When I am reading a narrative essay of a fellow classmates, I feel as if a voice is speaking to me. The story takes on a different tone and my voice is no longer mine! I can read the pain in the story, the truth, and the feelings that jump out of the page. Each narrative essay is different because it describes a different story related to the author. One of the examples of a narrative essay is Thirty- Eight Who Saw Murder Didn't Call the Police. In this narration, the reader can quickly sympathize with Miss. Genovese, the victim. The screams, jeers, and complaints of a woman being slain in the streets is ignored on the night of March 14, 1964. It is shocking how thirty-eight individuals living in the apartments heard a woman screaming in the streets and yet disregarded her cry for help. The assailant approached her approximately three times in an hour period and murdered her fatally. There were numerous lights that went on when she first screamed but no neighbor cared to even call the police. A man threatened the assailant to leave her alone the first time but, he came back again to stab her; it was 3:20 a.m. It was 3:50 a.m. by the time the police received their first call from a man who was a neighbor of Miss Genovese, the victim in this crime. In two minutes, the police were at the scene. It is very mind boggling how an incident could have been prevented in a matter of minutes rather than waiting for about half an hour!

The second example and personally my favorite is the Indian Education. In this narration, Sherman describes his childhood from the first grade and beyond. The reader can see that Sherman is not afraid of being shunned from his society. He explains his struggles whether other people will like it or no. Sherman understands a child's pain while growing up and he uses this lesson to teach children to have their own voice. Life offers many hazardous roads along the way, but Sherman realizes that he must take control of his life no matter what happens. For many generations, Indians have been persecuted for their beliefs and actions. Their customs and traditions are different from us but aren’t we all different? Sherman Alexi shares his childhood experiences from the first grade all the way to high school and beyond. He describes the relationships with his teachers and friends. Every grade, the reader listens to Sherman’s pains and what he went through during his lifetime. Feeling tormented and abused by his friends in the first grade; his teacher accusing him of being an “Indian” as if it is a sin; and no freedom of expression in the third grade. As he gets older, Sherman learns of the miseries taking place in his life from his father drinking vodka everyday to his mother trying to finish quilts. Finally, in the fifth grade he finds comfort in basketball and drugs in his friend’s possession. Through middle school, he shares his story of meeting girls and kissing them for the first time. While at a school dance, a “Chicano” tells him that he is just like all the other Indian kids: “They start drinking real young.” Sherman explains, “sharing dark skin doesn’t necessarily make two men brothers.” After his high school graduation, Sherman receives honors from the school and looks forward to his future. However his former classmates look forward to drinking and partying for the rest of their lives.

Narration is a very important form of writing because it allows the author to take control; no censorship and no guard. The author expresses his feelings and is not afraid to spill out any emotions, just like real and raw writer.

Teachers

Teachers are the most amazing people in our lives. They are like our second parents because we spend half the day with them. Even on the weekends, we see them around shopping or picking up students. Last time when I saw Mr. Miclette in front of my complex, I was in complete shock. I mean I thought I would never see teachers outside of school that close. He was there picking up a student for a Track tournament and it felt so normal. I felt as if he was my father getting ready to go somewhere. It was really funny because there were no awkward pauses or weird moments. Even when my mother saw him, she just acted as if she had seen him so many times in her life.
Teachers are incredible. I am going to miss some of my teachers but I will definitely see them around next year. However, to Ms. Kirker, who has been one of my idols in life, I am going to miss you so much. You helped me write creatively and opened up a world of imagination for me that I had no dare to dream. Thank you so much for everything; for all the possibilities, for all the encouragements. A thousand Thank yous...

Not sure

So, I am not sure if I am supposed to be blogging still because I have exceeded that amount. Anyways, I am just going to write about this incredible year. First of all, I just wanted to congratulate everybody for stepping one step closer to graduation. There are so many students who won't be able to join us next year but they will forever be in our memories. You are not going far; just someplace where we won't be able to communicate effectively. However, you are still in this world, in this state, in this city or some place real close by. Please remember that no matter what happens, we will see each other again. I have been moving all my life but there has always been this promise in my heart. We will see each other again. No matter how impossible this sounds, it is possible. Some how, some way we will see each other again. This is my promise to anybody who is moving. Do not cry because tears are for those who are departing our lives forever. Tears are not needed because we will see each other again. Let's just make these last four days the best days of our lives.

The end

Wow, can you believe that we are at the last nine days of school! Seriously, we have nine days of school left couting finals (Seniors have only about five days left). My goodness, where did the time fly? When school resumes, every student begins to complain about the fact that the year is too long and there are so many days left. In fact, I remember walking through the halls and thinking, "when will school be over already." Now, I am thinking, "where did the days go by?" It's so amazing because when you think about it, time is really slow. In my SAT class a few weeks ago, the teacher tried to show us how long a minute was while he was telling us a story. Standing there, I felt like a minute would be up in just a whizz but actually it felt pretty long. I guess when you are having fun, time is jealous. It tries to pass the time quickly so you can go back to worshipping it and staring at its long and beautiful hands. Wow, what a conceited inanimate object! Well, time, you certainly know how to turn a young person into their worst nightmare: old. Certainly, my mother curses at you but right now I curse you for allowing good moments in life pass by so quickly. I wish there was a time police! This way, time would never speed again.

Soccer

My family are crazy soccer fans. I mean, seriously, everybody in my family knows everything about soccer. From the strategies, to the downs, to the kick-offs, and to the curses, they basically worship soccer. When I was seven-years-old, my mom's cousins used to come over to our house to watch Spain play against some other country for the World Cup. My younger cousins and I used to imitate them by slapping our knees or shouting at random objects for no reason. It was amazing having to see them cheer, clap, cry, or even dance. My grandmother's brother would never ever dance because he always assumed that dancing was a sin in the Bible. So, one time I remember walking through the door and having to see him dance around the table snickering at his sons. Even though I was really young, I could still remember every moment of those amazing family get-togethers. So, anyways, yesterday I had to attend a soccer game at the Santa Clara University soccer stadium. The game lasted for 90 minutes and I am proud to say that the San Jose Earthquakes won 2-1. Yay, go San Jose!!! The highlight of the game was when the soccer ball richocheted off the field and traveled right in my direction. If it wasn't for the obsessed fan in front of me, I would have caught the ball! Maybe next time...

Thank you

Giving. A magical word that can save thousands of lives and rescue even more. It always feels good to give back to your community and watch the smiles on their face. Every can, every dollar, and every cloth, helps a child no matter where he/she lives or what condition they are in. I would love to see millions of cans of food in a pantry just waiting to save a little girl in Morocco or a little boy in Iraq. We all know that world hunger is a crisis that every man and every woman must be involved in in order to decrease the statistics. So, please do your part by donating food to your nearest food bank. Not only does it feel good to share your lunch, but it actually makes a difference. I, myself, sometimes buy cans from a grocery store and do not feel like I've made that much of a difference in anybody's life. However, handing the cans of food to the lady behind the counter in the food bank, I can hear the words again. "God bless you!" "Thank you very much!" "You have helped us by getting closer to ending world hunger." Isn't that a splendid feeling? I don't know about you but my tears turn into tears of joy when I hear these words in one's mouth. Please remember to do your part! Share your lunch and help us by getting a step closer to ending this pandemic crisis. And for those who have taken the time to donate their meal, I would like to thank you for your donations.

News

So, while I was writing my previous blogs, I noticed something interesting. There is a font option that read webdings. I was not sure what this font was and so I decided to follow this option. Here's what happened:

I have a sentence from my previous blog in Arial:

I wish....

I could be strong

I could smile without being hurt

I could be a shield

rather a mirror

not a glue.

You could say 

all you wanted

all you desired

all you wished

while I stood there;

deaf,

blind,

insensitive,

and determined.

Now, here's what happened in Webdings:

Now let's see it in webdings:

I wish....

I could be strong

I could smile without being hurt

I could be a shield

rather a mirror

not a glue.

You could say 

all you wanted

all you desired

all you wished

while I stood there;

deaf,

blind,

insensitive,

and determined.

That's quite interesting!!!

That's quite interesting

I wish for this

I wish....

I could be strong

I could smile without being hurt

I could be a shield

rather a mirror

not a glue.

You could say 

all you wanted

all you desired

all you wished

while I stood there;

deaf,

blind,

insensitive,

and determined.

I wish...

I could eliminate

the pain,

the tears,

the loss,

the fake smile

to let you know that I was not hurt.

I am strong and forevermore will I be.

So, what I wish...

I wish you the best of luck for you are not the predator. Just a weak, defenseless creature trying to bury your depression. 

How rude!!!!

On Friday, I was feeling pretty emotional because of an incident that took place during lunch. Later on in sixth period, my world began to crash when my friends and I got into an argument. I could not sustain my anger during the whole conversation. So, I began to let out all my emotion; anger, depression, tearful, and happy. I could not stop crying during sixth period because my moods were not being controlled. It was a miserable day! However, my day was even more terrible when a couple of teenagers blurted out a hurting sentence. So, it all began when I was hanging out with everybody at the car wash. Navjot was standing farther away from me near the gas station. I, on the other hand, was standing by the stop light holding a poster that read "Car Wash." Minding my own business, I was waving the sign towards passing cars to attract attention. I was a little tired and my body felt really weak. My head was throbbing with pain and the sun was shining directly in my face. I was unprepared for the car wash and developed sun stroke after a few hours. So, a car full of teenagers (possibly twenty-year olds) passed me by. This teenager near the passenger's side had his window down. He stuck his head out and uttered the most rude, provoking, wounding, sorrowful, and ignorant comment.

"You are ugly as f***! You should not be holding a sign! [in the midst of the frenzy, I also recalled him saying something about] "being an outcast in society." 

All I could do at the moment was stare at the ground and allow time to drown me in my sorrow. Immediately, I dropped the poster, crossed the street and yelled Navjot's name. Like an amazing, supportive, kind, and incredible friend, Navjot asked me what happened. For a second, I felt like a little child lost in the woods and ran into Navjot's arms. I just started to cry and did not know why. No way was I hurt by the comments but I was hurt by the fact that I could not do anything. I could not curse at them for they might have had a gun nor could I allow the words to be blocked. I stood there, dumbfounded, crying in her arms. 

Well, I am just writing this blog in order to appreciate a phenomenal friend. Navjot, I am so sorry for drenching your shirt with my tears and I am so sorry for bringing you down. Thank you for being there for me. You are a great friend!

Heat

Ice, ice-cream, water (icy, cold), popsicle sticks, and a camera. That's all you need to cool off the hot weather. Today at about 1:20, we realized the thermometer had risen all the way to 115 degrees. Every time we stepped out into the sun, we could feel the heat melting away our skin. I could feel my body cursing me for the time I was spending time outdoors. It wasn't really under direct sunlight but the heat waves always found their way onto my skin, onto the pavement, and near the curb. No fan, no A.C, no other means of cooling off. I remembered the time when my family and I visited the villages of Iran. My grandparents had grown up there during the late 1930s. I wanted to see their house, their life, and basically where they first began our generation; this generation. As we were walking in the streets of the village, I could feel the sun greeting me with one of her warmest hugs. She was squeezing the breath out of me and I wondered what the temperature was. At the time I did not understand how thermometers work but I recall the numbers 130. 130 degrees! Dehydration became my friend in the busy streets of this village (a name that I can neither pronounce or spell). My heart was beating fast and my breath was quick and heavy. I remember closing my eyes as the heat waves drifted across my face burning it. This feeling was very, very familiar today. 

Movies

Today Anh, Rachel, Isaac, and I were shooting a movie for The Color Purple. We weren't filming in direct sunlight but boy, were we tired. I remember when after the first few scenes, we all collapsed on the chair and began to refill our waters. It was a disaster but a perfect moment for our movie. Since this book takes place in the South, the weather is always warm especially during the summer. It's hot and people are constantly wearing loose clothes in order to cool themselves off. I would have to say that Anh, Rachel, and Isaac were great actors and actresses. They really fit into the character and delivered an amazing performance. Actually, we were having difficulty trying to stop Isaac from laughing but it was okay. Sorry, Isaac about the comment I made. You know I was just trying to make you sad for the movie. One of the highlights of making the movie was drawing blood lines/scars on Anh's face. She was portraying an abused woman who is trying to find her sister. We placed ketchup all over her face, thanks partly to me and used red lipstick all over face. It was hilarious but worth it. I think that it is going to be a great movie!

By the way, we have a lot of bloopers. I love the part where we are just sitting down at the table acting silly. You know, Isaac, a spitting contest would have been perfect but I think I kind of won. In a way! Even though the weather was a burden, I still had fun shooting a successful movie. 

I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!!!!

Their dream

Awww, why are they so darn cute? Every time I see a child's face, I can honestly read his or her mind. For example, a child was walking into a store with her mother and I could see him from a distance. As soon as she saw a box of candy with a picture of Hannah Montana's face, she immediately asked her mother to buy it. Of course, her mother replied, "no." At that instant moment, she began to pout her lips and cry bitter tears. They streamed across her face and she began to wail uncontrollably. How does my mind-reading really fit into all of this? Well, when we first entered the store, I saw the same candy with a picture of Hannah Montana. "I bet that a child preferably a girl will be crying over this box of candy." When the little girl passed us crying, my mother said, "Hannah Montana." Well, there you go another innocent child crying over a box of candy that can lead to obesity, diabetes, as well as cavities. Every time my little cousin cries over a bar of Twix, I give her my lecture of how obesity is the number 1 problem Unites States citizens are concerned about. It is a pandemic issue! She widens her eyes and begins to ask me all sorts of questions. Not that I don't enjoy her curiosity, but she hardly ever takes any advice. Right after my impending speech, she immediately runs to her mother and asks her for chocolate. My aunt gives her the chocolate bar she requested. Well, at least I gave it a try.  I think that next time I am just going to steal the candy from her. As much as she cries, wails, or curses I will not give her the chocolate bar. However sometimes I can be quite the patsy. I'll just try to hold my ground for once. 

This life

What is the difference between good and evil? Humans are not the ones to answer this question because we all have a little bit of righteousness and mischievous in all of us. Nobody's perfect and this is why evil can sometimes overpower us. Now, I can't really describe the difference between these two characteristics without using religious terminology and I am sorry for doing this but it is the only way I can really explain the amidst taking place here. Evil is conducted by the devil or in the case of the Exorcism of Emily Rose, the six voices; Lucifer being the leader. Now, this is the religious term. The non-religious term is actually our mind. Like Plato once said "our senses deceive us" and because of this, "we are like prisoners in a cave". It's interesting how our mind can sometimes think and lead us into a situation where the unspeakable can happen. Like murdering a person! What goes on in the minds of a serial killer when they are about to shoot their victim? Ohhhhh (shudder) I don't really want to know. However, our conscious mind is the devil.Now, the ethical part of this situation is our heart. I believe that this is so because sometimes our mind can overpower our heart. Deep down we feel that we need to approach this situation calmly but up here, we think that the only way to approach this situation is with exasperation. Some people rarely follow their heart and allow the mind to control the circumstances. It's true that the brain is the central nervous system and without it functioning properly, we would be paralyzed. However, the heart is even more significant because without it we would be dead. I think that it is better to be paralyzed than dead. Don't you agree? Good vs. evil is a very difficult assumption because there is actually no right or wrong answer. All responses are welcome....